An Open Response to an Open Letter. Forgive me for writing this.
It was a rainy day.
I was wearing my pink striped blouse that my best friend helped me buy, my pink sweater and my headband with white pearls and little stones. I was rushing to my boarding house to replace my broken eyeglasses with my spare one and to get the Chocolate Mousse Red Ribbon cake. I had no letter prepared, instead I wrote a simple happy birthday note on a blue post-it then sticked that into the box of the cake.
I am late. But still you waited for me at the place where we were supposed to meet.
We were exchanging different stories while on the jeepney. I was amazed how accomplished you've been and I became your fan immediately. Then off to the train, my second train ride since I got in college.
We walked and walked until the restaurant offered its merienda buffet. We were both full then. You noticed how I loved those caramel puffs there. Haha. As a remembrance, we took the tissue wrapped in plastic and exchanged notes there. After eating, we went bowling. Haha. I scored 33, thanks to you and the strike you played for me. Then played at timezone where I got fascinated with the touch screen game. Haha.
"Ginreet ka na ba niya?"
"Oo, kaninang umaga."
And that was my first date ever with a guy.
It was a sunny day.
I was wearing a pink striped shirt, the one you gave me for my birthday. I was bringing the brown paper bag which contained the gift I bought for you, the two page letter I've written for you and the little cupcake I bought.
After my class, my blockmate accompanied me to Palma Hall. We first went to the wash room. Retouch, retouch. Haha. I asked her to peep to see if you were already there in the tambayan. I was supposed to give you that little cupcake with little candle lit already. But I got shy and returned it inside the paper bag.
We went to a restaurant inside the mall. Pasta-all-you-can! Haha. Then you insisted to open your gift, read the letter inside and put the cupcake on the table. You put the little colorful chocolates that you bought from me at the top of the cake, then we lit your little cake. The waiter at the restaurant thought that we would be eating the cupcake there and gave us extra spoons for it. Haha. We were full and went back to school. Then we went home to Pampanga together.
"Happy Birthday, sana apasaya da ka ngeni. Ingat ka pauli."
"Napasaya mo naman ako. Thanks sa gift at sa effort."
Make-up. A denim gown. Curls. I was definitely a princess.
I was waiting for the program to start when my mother came inside the room where I was hidden from the audience.
"Atiu ne keng lalam. (pertaining to you)"
Prayer. Intro. Video. Epic entrance. Epic opening number. 18 dances.
You approached me with those snobbish eyes and gave me the last rose of the bouquet. With everyone screaming and the emcee not knowing how special you were to me, we danced. You were telling me about your gift, the 17 little gifts you bought for me, and you were narrating how my high school friends pointed at you when you arrived. While we were enjoying the moment, the emcee ended our dance and you went back to your seat.
"I realized how important you really are to me. And madakal ku ding gewang stuffs na e ku usually gagawan, given how egoistic and self centered I was. But ita, I have and I really want to do that for you."
That was my debut. And you were my last dance. And that was our last dance.
Today is just an ordinary day. My first September 11 in my college life that I am not with you. No gifts prepared, no alibis created for my parents to allow me to go out. Goodbye to the plans we had for this day. It's over and that fact we both accepted for the last three months.
I do not know as well why I am writing this. I know, I'm being pathetic again. I told you before that my last Multiply post will be my last statement regarding the whole drama.
It's over. That really sinked in when you got sick and I was the last one to know. We both knew that ending it was the best thing for us. Painful as it really was, we ignored each other at the tambayan every time we had common breaks. Remember that less than 5 minute moment when we were left alone at that place. I pretended to just read the logbook. Awkward. I didn't know how to approach you and I was in a total loss for words.
I've hurt you, I'm aware of that and I'm really sorry for that. I've hurt you so much even if I didn't mean to. But you know that I've made a choice before and up to now, I am not regretting making that choice. Of course I chose you. It was the right thing to do and you knew how much I loved you then.
But still I want to thank you. For the almost two years we've been together, for making me happy and for making me feel special and loved. Thank you for going beyond your usual self to grant what I want. Thank you for everything.
On your twenty first birthday, I wish you all the best in life. How generic. Haha. I wish that you'll graduate next year, become a successful professional and fulfill your dreams. I hope you get to meet her as well, I know you will. I know there is someone out there who can give you much more than the love I've given you, the one who will not hurt you and the one who will make you truly happy.
I hope in time, we'll be okay. I hope in time, we get to talk to each other again personally. I hope in time, all the wounds will be healed and we get to rebuild our friendship. All of these, in time.
I just wish you a happy birthday and take care :)
she said shut up and dance with me
10 months ago