NY Blues

I was staring on the sky.
Gazing at somebody else's fireworks.
Imagining how 2010 might be.

A going strong relationship.
A new experience in terms of leadership.
A revenge to my academics.
A slimmer body, a healthier living.

Tonight I am staring at the same sky.
Still gazing at somebody else's fireworks.
Imagining how 2010 turned out be.
Amidst all the prayers and the dreams,
Everything turned out differently,
Yet I am sure that now I'm contented and happy.

Later I will be staring at the same sky.
Will be gazing at somebody else's fireworks.
Imagining how my 2011 might be.

Flashback

A little flashback on my 2010 :)

The Debut

The year started with a bang! Partied with relatives and friends. Went to La Mesa Eco Park and Star City with my batchmates. All of these to celebrate my 18th birthday.

UP Fair

Yesthursday with Agupips! Fun and sweet! Loved Parokya ni Edgar!

Nyny's Debut

1920's. Danced Tanggo and Can-Can. Cheesy.

Fil40 immersion

I just love kids! Had a short program, performed a skit and prepared some books for our Immersion at Obando, Bulacan the day after Nyny's debut.

The Defeat and Victory

Almost won on the first election. Lost on the final election for the UP Aguman's next Educ Chair. Then after a week, I ran for Sanlahi's EdRes Vice Chair and won. So much for my political career!

The Controversial Summer that led to the Break Up

Enough said. Haha!

ACLE and Tagisanlahi

First events that were headed by me. New people to work with. New experiences and learnings on leadership and teamwork.

Falling in love again

Once a friend, now my corny, gay, and sleepy boyfriend. Haha!


This year was full of ups and downs. A lot of issues confronted me and the people close to me. Glad those were over! I think I'm better now and more matured. Thanks for the experiences that shaped me and made me a stronger person. I enjoyed the company of a lot of people, met a lot of new friends and reconnected with old friends. Thanks to all of them. :)

Looking forward to more experiences and learnings next year. :)

Gusto Ko Ikaw

Gusto kitang intindihin.
Gusto kitang pagpasensyahan.
Gusto kong matanggap ko na ganyan ka.
Gusto kong matanggap na ganito ang sitwasyon at hindi ang ninais at pinangarap ko.
Gusto kong makiayon sa mga hilig at trip mo.
Gusto kong makiayon sa tingin mo sa mundo.
Gusto kong magets ang bawat hirit at joke mo.
Gusto kong magets ang personalidad mo.
Gusto kong paniwalaan ang bawat salita na sinasabi mo.
Gusto kong paniwalaan na tutuparin mo ang mga salitang iyon.
Gusto kong magbago sa paraang gusto mo.
Gusto kong magbago upang magustuhan mo.
Gusto kong nandito ka ngayon sa tabi ko.

An Ode to the Guy Who Called Me Stupid

Back then,
I only knew you as the guy who filled his avatar on my sigsheet with a blast of colors,
as someone who draws cars and landscapes on the logbook,
as someone who they tease to someone (labo lang XD),
I barely knew you.
I barely even talked to you.

But there came a circumstance that made me admire you a lot,
I was then checking on somebody else's facebook,
Looking for some information and insights on things that messed up our lives that time (and yes, I've read them all),
I saw your message,
You have asked the questions I have been longing to ask.
You have presented the side of the story that he never listened to.
We aren't close then.
We just had a quick chat about the whole fiasco.
Not a heart-to-heart one. Not a conversation that made me spill my emotions.
But still, you talked to him as if we were really close.
You expressed your thoughts like you are a priest XD

After the breakup, that's when we got close.
I've lost a close friend, but I know I've gained another one.
We are now part of the same circle.
You called me fat, slow, even stupid.
You even wrote a song about me being a loner.
I never heard you compliment me.
But I believe we have a friendship that is way beyond all the teasing.

I am sorry for that time when I didn't accompany you.
I was shallow and thought it wouldn't be a great of a deal.
I'm glad we've passed through that.

I was supposed to write about Christmas spirit.
But then you handed me last night something I've been craving for.
And maybe this is just my way of thanking you.
Thanking you for everything. :D

Something, Somewhere, Someone

It's not that surprising.
It's not something I only thought overnight.
And I know it's not something that everyone would agree with.
But hopefully it's not something I'll be regretting.

"Bakit siya ilang months pa lang sinagot mo na, eh si ano ang tagal mong nakasama hindi mo sinagot?"
Two of my close friends asked me this upon hearing, or perhaps reading that news.
I do not know.
I can't really answer that question directly.

Siguro nga wala sa oras yan.
Wala sa tagal ng panahon na nakasama mo yung tao.

"Mas may chemistry kayo.."
"Mas bagay kayo. Alam kong hindi ka niya sasaktan..."
I remember these side comments from some orgmates after the tribute.
The event that started these all.

I can say that ours really had friendship as the relationship's foundation.
I don't have to pretend to be like somebody else when I'm with him.
I do not need to ask him what he feels for me because he says it outright and makes me feel it. I don't have to make the first move.
I can feel myself melting when he's staring at me.
I can say anything that bothers me without any hesitation.
He is sensitive of what I feel, what I want or need.
He loves me more than his pride and ego.
He is always there.
He trusts me.
He loves me.

To answer their question: the key is effort. :)

let's just be happy for each other :D

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A loser? A scheming bitch?
What else do you want to call me?
or what else do you want from me?
If you have anything negative to say, say it in front of me okay?
Anyway, what's more to lose right?

I shall and I shall not

I shall not stalk.

I shall not let other people bring me down.

I shall not let other people judge me.

I shall not get affected with anything that isn't true.

I shall not regret any past decision or action that I know made me smile.

I shall not speak ill of any person.

Instead, I shall be appreciative of the people who truly love and know me.



I shall study very hard and pass all my subjects.

I shall reward myself of a out of town vacation on summer.



I shall watch Harry Potter 7 Part II next year.

I shall watch Chronicles of Narnia next month. :D



I shall think of a great gift to give this Christmas.

I shall try to restore broken friendships for the spirit of Christmas.

Almost Perfect

Today is an almost perfect day.

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It was like playing for the Pautakan team again.

It was during our batch when SSA didn't make it to the Top 5. We were in sixth place. So close yet so far away.

I felt the tension, the apprehension and the excitement as every question in the Final Encounter is being read.

The members were not close to me. Some I only knew by name. But even though this was the case, I was their silent cheerer.

I am proud to be Kulasa and an Aguman member!

After two years, hindi ako ang nagSTS sa St. Scho. Maybe that added to their luck. Haha!

------------

You called my name awhile ago like nothing has changed, like nothing has happened.

While I was approaching you, it was like my heart has forgotten all the pain and I eagerly told you the current state of the team that once brought us closer together.

You are my best friend. But I may not be yours.

What happened awhile ago might be a good start in rebuilding our friendship.

------------

You make me happy.

You may not be sweet, or touchy, or a gentleman but you make me feel loved and appreciated.

You may have always made fun and complain on how I look but you stare at me like I'm the prettiest person alive.

I do not owe anybody an explanation on how this has started and reached this point.

I am happy when I'm with you and I'm lucky to have you.

And I believe this is what we both deserve. <3

Thank you for the sumptuous dinner and for spoiling me. Haha! I really love the fish fillet and sylvannas and the seafood rice. Looking forward to our next food trips. :p

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It was about to write how perfect this day is. Then my laptop couldn't detect any wireless connection so I got frustrated.

An almost perfect day! :)

I Just Thought So

"I miss you. Good night :)"

Your simple words made all the fatigue I am feeling go away. It's something I have been waiting from you for almost four months.

Four months. No physical presence. No words. Nothing. You, ignoring me for reasons that I do not know.

Maybe, time does all the magic. It heals wounds. It makes the pain fade away.

Or maybe, I just thought so.

Probably I misinterpreted your words. Maybe it was meant to be a message for everybody in your contacts.

Time heals wounds, but it can leave some scars.

I thought we are okay. No more hard feelings, no more resentment. But noooooo. I just assumed. Assumed way too much. Again.

Last Dance

An Open Response to an Open Letter. Forgive me for writing this.

---------------------------------

Number 1.

It was a rainy day.

I was wearing my pink striped blouse that my best friend helped me buy, my pink sweater and my headband with white pearls and little stones. I was rushing to my boarding house to replace my broken eyeglasses with my spare one and to get the Chocolate Mousse Red Ribbon cake. I had no letter prepared, instead I wrote a simple happy birthday note on a blue post-it then sticked that into the box of the cake.

I am late. But still you waited for me at the place where we were supposed to meet.

We were exchanging different stories while on the jeepney. I was amazed how accomplished you've been and I became your fan immediately. Then off to the train, my second train ride since I got in college.

We walked and walked until the restaurant offered its merienda buffet. We were both full then. You noticed how I loved those caramel puffs there. Haha. As a remembrance, we took the tissue wrapped in plastic and exchanged notes there. After eating, we went bowling. Haha. I scored 33, thanks to you and the strike you played for me. Then played at timezone where I got fascinated with the touch screen game. Haha.

"Ginreet ka na ba niya?"

"Oo, kaninang umaga."

And that was my first date ever with a guy.

----------------------

Number 2.

It was a sunny day.

I was wearing a pink striped shirt, the one you gave me for my birthday. I was bringing the brown paper bag which contained the gift I bought for you, the two page letter I've written for you and the little cupcake I bought.

After my class, my blockmate accompanied me to Palma Hall. We first went to the wash room. Retouch, retouch. Haha. I asked her to peep to see if you were already there in the tambayan. I was supposed to give you that little cupcake with little candle lit already. But I got shy and returned it inside the paper bag.

We went to a restaurant inside the mall. Pasta-all-you-can! Haha. Then you insisted to open your gift, read the letter inside and put the cupcake on the table. You put the little colorful chocolates that you bought from me at the top of the cake, then we lit your little cake. The waiter at the restaurant thought that we would be eating the cupcake there and gave us extra spoons for it. Haha. We were full and went back to school. Then we went home to Pampanga together.

"Happy Birthday, sana apasaya da ka ngeni. Ingat ka pauli."

"Napasaya mo naman ako. Thanks sa gift at sa effort."

-----------------------

Number 3.

Make-up. A denim gown. Curls. I was definitely a princess.

I was waiting for the program to start when my mother came inside the room where I was hidden from the audience.

"Atiu ne keng lalam. (pertaining to you)"

Prayer. Intro. Video. Epic entrance. Epic opening number. 18 dances.

You approached me with those snobbish eyes and gave me the last rose of the bouquet. With everyone screaming and the emcee not knowing how special you were to me, we danced. You were telling me about your gift, the 17 little gifts you bought for me, and you were narrating how my high school friends pointed at you when you arrived. While we were enjoying the moment, the emcee ended our dance and you went back to your seat.

"I realized how important you really are to me. And madakal ku ding gewang stuffs na e ku usually gagawan, given how egoistic and self centered I was. But ita, I have and I really want to do that for you."

That was my debut. And you were my last dance. And that was our last dance.

---------------------------

Today is just an ordinary day. My first September 11 in my college life that I am not with you. No gifts prepared, no alibis created for my parents to allow me to go out. Goodbye to the plans we had for this day. It's over and that fact we both accepted for the last three months.

I do not know as well why I am writing this. I know, I'm being pathetic again. I told you before that my last Multiply post will be my last statement regarding the whole drama.

It's over. That really sinked in when you got sick and I was the last one to know. We both knew that ending it was the best thing for us. Painful as it really was, we ignored each other at the tambayan every time we had common breaks. Remember that less than 5 minute moment when we were left alone at that place. I pretended to just read the logbook. Awkward. I didn't know how to approach you and I was in a total loss for words.

I've hurt you, I'm aware of that and I'm really sorry for that. I've hurt you so much even if I didn't mean to. But you know that I've made a choice before and up to now, I am not regretting making that choice. Of course I chose you. It was the right thing to do and you knew how much I loved you then.

But still I want to thank you. For the almost two years we've been together, for making me happy and for making me feel special and loved. Thank you for going beyond your usual self to grant what I want. Thank you for everything.

On your twenty first birthday, I wish you all the best in life. How generic. Haha. I wish that you'll graduate next year, become a successful professional and fulfill your dreams. I hope you get to meet her as well, I know you will. I know there is someone out there who can give you much more than the love I've given you, the one who will not hurt you and the one who will make you truly happy.

I hope in time, we'll be okay. I hope in time, we get to talk to each other again personally. I hope in time, all the wounds will be healed and we get to rebuild our friendship. All of these, in time.

I just wish you a happy birthday and take care :)

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Mind Your Own Business

Meron na naman bang bago?
Silang hindi naman apektado
Pati buhay ng may buhay
Kanilang kinakalaykay

You do not know me.
You do not know what happened and what is currently happening.
You do not know how I felt and what I am feeling.
I'm hurt and still hurting.
Your words behind my back are really offending.

At pag tingin mo sa kaliwa, paninira pa rin sa kapwa
Ng mga kalalakihang makakati rin ang dila
Kahit sa tawa’y mamilipit, tuloy pa rin sa panlalait
Akala mo’y may nakamit mga tsismosong dahil sa inggit

And what do you get from all of these?
Talking about personal matters of your colleagues.
Does it give you enough entertainment or satisfaction?
Your values and virtues may have gone someplace.
Difficulties that are not really your business
Your loud whispers only cause a bigger mess.

Kaya mag ingat ka pag sila’y iyong nakita
Ngumiti kang pang-famas ng di ka ma-broadcast bukas

Stop muddling with my personal life.
I seriously had enough strife.
Don't judge me as if you know me.
As if you are beside me when everything is occurring.
Tell me your thoughts, ask questions.
Allow me to defend myself and give necessary clarifications.
It has to be me who should do the explaining.
Not another individual who is unwitting.

You don't know me.
And lucky you, I chose not to know your name.
It's not you I want to condemn.
But your unnecessary habit to tattletale.
Shut up if you have nothing good to say.
Show some respect and have a little faith.

Dear You..

This is an article written by Cathy Babao-Guballa for the Philippine Daily Inquirer. i just want to share it with you :)

My daughter’s letter to the man she will love someday

RELATIONSHIPS ARE always a difficult terrain to navigate.

As a woman, you spend hours pondering—alone or with your girl friends—the intricacies of the human heart. You always hope and pray that the next generation will get it better than you did.

Below is a letter I found in my daughter’s website (I have her permission to share this). She wrote it to “the man I will someday love.”

I was expecting to read a gushing, romantic, idealistic tome. I was humbled instead by her sentiments. It’s filled with sensible expectations.

I pray that this will make every girl believe that hope does spring eternal, and even if your heart has been broken a few times, you can always put the pieces back together, and make it right the next time around.

Take your time. Don’t rush and don’t just “settle.” If it’s part of His plan, God’s best awaits you out there.

Letter

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

I just found it very inspiring :) I hope he is waiting for me whoever he is :)

Unexpected Cascade

You wake me up with a good morning message,
You never failed to put a smile on my face,
You make me shed tears when we fight,
Then you flatter me till the end of the night,
You notice the imperfections of my look,
You puzzle me on how I got you hooked,
You are the best part of my everyday,
You love me in every way,
You brought my world back in color,
You just make me fall for you even more.

Purple Glittery Box

As I am in search of an important document,
I caught a glimpse of a box under my cabinet,
A container full of stuffs and memories,
A box that was given with love that was not suppose to cease,

There are various things inside,
Each with a special meaning behind,
A Hannah Montana pen, a shirt, a small bag,
A rosary and a mind game to brag.

Contained is a baller that shouts I love him,
A material that testified a feeling so firm,
The proof of commitment that I once shared with him,
That we will be with each other through thick and thin.

Contained is a CD with a movie and a letter,
Words that I always read to make me feel better,
A movie that showed a number of pictures,
Accompanied by a song of the story we had together.

For a while, this container meant a lot to me,
The material evidence of our two year love story,
Now it is a mere box that I prefer not to see,
Hidden under my cabinet and buried in my memory.

Piattos Green

We've known each other for almost half of our lives.

Played patintero,piko and jackstone during recess breaks,
Ran around the school premises because of 2 girls chasing us,
Comforted each other as we shared our family concerns,
Wore tanod-like vests during the press conferences,
Ate sugo during our Pautakan reviews sessions,
Teased my skin color and lack of taste,
Laughed at my fail moments,
Cried because of the guys who broke our hearts.

We did many things together, not just these things I have mentioned.

You were my opposite. You're pretty, full of confidence, stylish and courageous. You are frank and you stand and speak up for what you believe in. You're a bookworm. You're very sociable and outgoing. People love your uniqueness, your charm and your charisma.

I do not know how we got along very well. We even considered ourselves as best friends.

But time had brought us apart.
I do not know how and I do not know why we have allowed that to happen.
We missed so many happenings already.
And telling me to just stay this way when I'm ready to reach out again was really heartbreaking.
It's the hardest thing that I have to accept.
This is more difficult to handle than a break-up.

Because that's you.

You're special and I love you.

I know you are happy now with the people you hang out with and the guy you are with.
I'm also contented with the set of friends I have now. But I won't be pleading to you, I think what's important to me is to know that you are happy.

I just miss you very much.

Cheddar Cheese and Corn

Di baleng maghapon na umulan basta ikaw ang sasandalan

I remembered myself comparing the concept of walking in the rain with my experience as an officer before, that I have written for an English class. I'll quote, "Walking in the rain can be romantic. Two persons under the same umbrella indicate that they will be there for each other despite the harsh rain." Now you can call me corny or cheesy.

We walked and walked and walked,
Waiting and praying for the rain to pour,
We wanted to dance together as heaven sprinkles water,
Hopeless romantics as we truly are.

Liwanag ng lumulubog na araw kay sarap pagmasdan,
lalo na kapag nasisinagan ang iyong mukha.

Watching the sun as it slowly hides itself is something I wanted to do with a special someone. Well, sunsets happen everyday. But observing it with someone important to you can really make this experience extraordinary. Suddenly, you will begin to appreciate the blending of colors in the sky, the smell of the sea, the warmth of the ambiance. Lean your head towards that person. No words needed. It will be breathtaking.

As the time ticks and the sun will soon be away,
I'm sitting beside you with no words to say,
You're composing a poem as we end the day,
I'll be here for you, come what may.

Ayoko nang magsawa, hinding hindi magsasawa sa iyo
Kaya't wag magtataka, kung bakit ayaw kitang mawala.

Till death do us part says a couple during their wedding. I get touched everytime I see an old husband with his old wife still sweet to each other. The smiles in their lips show how much they have been contented and happy with the life they've spent together. I hope to find someone who I will share the rest of my life with. We will build a house in a vast lot. Have a car. We will have a family of our own. Raise children and have grandchildren. Then the children will have their own families and I will still have my husband with me, still sweet and romantic even if white hair dominated our scalps and the smoothness of our skin has already gone.

We promised ourselves to be together forever,
Fulfilling our own ambitions and pleasures,
Inspiring one another to strive and work harder,
Investing for our future life having each other.

Of Coincidence, Fate and the One

It’s all pure coincidence. I believe in coincidences, but I do not think there are things that are really meant to happen. This is not a profound discussion on destiny or fate or coincidences. Maybe I just want to express the feelings and experiences I had with these three concepts, however they may seem to be different or the same.

Life is full of what if’s. What if I had a different set of parents? What if I joined a different set of friends? What if I haven't met you? Will life still be as happy as it is today?

Some people believe in signs. They let these signs help them in decision making. A simple example to this is a common practice is tossing a coin. We associate a certain decision to the tail and another to the head. Should I talk to him? Should I court her? Should I apply in this type of job? Is this the right path to take? Is he the one? Remember what we do with the flowers we pick in our gardens? He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me.

Life is a series of decisions. I think that is more realistic to say. Every day in our lives we have to choose one thing over another. Sacrifice one for another.

One of my favorite fan pages in Facebook says "Kung tayo, tayo talaga." For some reason I actually believe it. I have even said it personally before to someone. But I guess we can't just let fate or destiny bring to people back together, that is if they still want to be together. Some actions must be done for this to happen. Decisions have to made as well.

Sometimes, I wish that there will be someone to invent a machine or contraption that will determine whether or not this person is already “the one” or not. This is to avoid any heartache to happen, no more suicides due to love quarrels, no more emo people in this world. But no, I do not think that is possible. Even relationships that are only ended by death undergo these obstacles and these problems make the couple stronger. This applies not only on romantic relationships but also in friendships and family relationships. Each elimination round we take in this search for the right one is a risk that should be taken. Every yes and no provides a different set of possibilities and of new endeavors.

Whatever fate, destiny or serendipity talk about, everything that happens within us are products of decisions made by only one person, our own self. There is nobody else to blame, not even God. The coincidences we encounter are also results of different risks we choose to take, no matter how small or big they are.